The Daily Jokester

Deep Thoughts on Taxes

2005-05-31T09:29:00.000-07:00

Astronomers have new finds named after them so how come they don't name new tax loopholes after the accountants who find them?

Can an alcoholic claim alcohol as a medical expense? After all it does cure tremors and shakes right?

Can race car drivers deduct speeding tickets on their income tax forms?

Do you think a fair tax structure is one that allows everybody to cheat evenly?

Do you think people should pay taxes on what they think their worth?

Have you ever wondered why people refuse to share their age until they get an extra deduction on their tax return?

How come we never hear of a government tax auditor being audited?

If you live in a state of chaos do you need to pay taxes?

Is the lottery a tax on people who are bad at math?

Isn't it really disheartening to know that all the taxes you've paid over your lifetime are spent by your government in less than a second?

Isn't the only difference between tax avoidance and evasion about 10
years?

Isn't the only possible fair tax structure one that allows everyone to cheat evenly?

Revenue Canada only allows Entertainment expenses if it is for business. If its business then its not entertainment. Are they trying to tell us something?

Sure the wages of sin is death but don't you think that by the time taxes are taken out it's just sort of a tired run-down feeling?

When trying to calculate your adjusted gross income for tax purposes why is it that no matter how you adjust it it's still gross?

When you do a good deed should you get a receipt just in case heaven is like the IRS?

Why do civic governments spend our tax dollars filling in potholes and then spend even more putting speed bumps on the roads they just fixed in order to slow traffic down? If the objective is to slow traffic down why don't they just leave the potholes?

Why do they call it a tax return if they have no intention of returning any of it?

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut only save you thirty cents?

Why does it take more brainpower to fill out the income tax forms than it does to earn the income in the first place?

Why does the Queen pay taxes? Doesn't the money go to the government which in turn is in the service of the Queen? Is this what is called self-employment?

Why doesn't the IRS offer us our money back if we're not satisfied?

Why is it that at tax time you have to hide what you've inherited in order to possess it?

Why is it that when you get a pay raise its just large enough to increase your taxes yet small enough to have no effect on your take home pay?

Technical Terms for Country Folk

2005-05-30T14:42:00.000-07:00

Log on: making a wood stove hotter
Log off: don't add no more wood
Monitor: keeping an eye on the wood stove
Download: gettin the farwood off the truck
Mega Hertz: when yer not keerful getting the farwood
Floppy disc: whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
Ram: that thar thing what splits the farwood
Hard drive: gettin home in the winter time
Prompt: whut the mail ain't in the winter time
Windows: what to shut when it's cold outside
Screen: what to shut when it's blak fly season
Byte: what dem flys do
Chip: munchies fer the TV
Micro Chip: whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag
Modem: whacha did to the hay fields
Dot Matrix: Old Dan Matrix's wife
Lap Top: whar the kitty sleeps
Keyboard: whar ya hang the keys
Software: them plastic forks and knifes
Mouse: what eats the grain in the barn
Mouse Pad: that hippie talk for the rat hole
Main frame: holds up the barn ruf
Port: fancy Flatlander wine
Enter: northerner talk fer C'Mon in y'all
Random Access Memory: when ya cain't 'member what ya paid fer the......

Deep Thoughts About Fishing & Hunting

2005-05-26T19:00:00.000-07:00

Aren't there really only two basic kinds of fishermen? Sport fishermen and those who catch fish.

Do fishermen live in the reel world?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

How come the TV fishing shows never focus on the most important boat fishing skill ... peeing off the back of the boat after all those beers?

If you shoot deer in deer season can you shoot tourists in tourist season?

If you went fishing with a dotted line would you catch every other fish?

Is it true that if you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day but if you teach him how to fish, he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day?

Isn't fishing just a jerk on one end of the line waiting for a jerk at
the other?

Was the concept of farming created by tired hunters with sore feet?

What is the difference between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot?

When you're standing on the shore fishing with your catch beside you why do people ask you when they walk by if you caught that fish? Just what do they think you are doing?

Who edits fishing shows? How do they decide what's too boring?

Why do fish grow fastest between the time they're caught and the bar in port?

Why do hunters spend hundreds of dollars to buy camouflage equipment then wear a bright orange hat?

Why do people who hunt turkeys spend tons of money on decoys bird callers guns ammo camouflage etc. when they can buy the bird cheaper at the store ?

Why do some hunters buy camouflage wallets? If they happened to lose it in the woods then they really would be hunting wouldn't they?

Why does the NRA want hunters to be able to carry armor piercing ammo? Are deer being issued flack vests?

Why is it that nothing increases the size of a fish like fishing all by yourself?

Why is it that you never see a fish mounted on a wall with it's mouth shut?

Wouldn't living be easier if men showed as much patience at home as they do when they're fishing?

Death on Vacation

2005-05-25T13:43:00.000-07:00

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalam, George's mother-in-law died.

With death certificates in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the states for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the
mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the states for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.

The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much consdering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead !

I just can't take that chance.

Texas Dumb Laws

2005-05-24T19:20:00.000-07:00

It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.

It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer.

The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.

When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.

It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.

You can be legally married by publically introducing a person as your husband or wife 3 times.

A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.

It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.

It is illegal to milk another person's cow.

The Lone Survivor

2005-05-23T19:17:00.000-07:00

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, only one of you can survive"

The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

If the Bible Was Written By College Students...

2005-05-22T19:16:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Ways the Bible would be different if it were written by college students.

10. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning cold.

9. The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.

8. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.

7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria.

6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.

5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.

3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.

2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.